Imagined Thoughts

My mind is tired. It seems like any comprehensible thought that I may have is floating in a sea of an ordered chaos that I will call a mindless consciousness. I want to close my eyes and just listen. No feelings. Free falling into indifference, into silence. Momentary peace at last.


We are near to the remains of the day. We have smiled, we have laughed. We have hurt, we have loved. When the sun sets and we finally rest our tired bodies and souls, we go back to our own realities or illusions. We hang on. We try to keep it together and remain. Some of us will let go and will never look back. And for us who remain, those who left just become a memory of days that passed.


Are you happy? Whatever your answer will be, is it the truth? Would you change anything? If you could, what would it be? Are you prepared for change? Are your prepared to destroy and be destroyed? You said you have the power, you have the will. But do you have the heart?

Uninteresting

We are an old married couple without the proverbial “comfortable silence.” I have reached a plateau and with my innate bad sense of direction and non-existent mountain survival skills, I guess I’m pretty much doomed. I don’t know about him but my guess is that the feeling is mutual. Funny since THIS has become our common ground. It’s just that nothing is being said and therefore, nothing is being done. Will this vacuum eventually rid itself away like before in a pitiful number of occasions? I do not know. I do not care.

The flame has died down and it is time to accept that we are just like any other couple (the ones remaining, at least). We are ordinary with a capital O -- nothing special. No upsize, no add-ons. In a line of hamburgers, we are like the Regular Yum and the only thing that makes us a bit interestingly savory is the thin slather of mayonnaise. As such, we are now in the same side of the fence as that of almost everyone else except for those honeymooners and those who are eternally blessed with either marital bliss or ignorance and indifference.

The sparks that once ignited the smoldering passions of an otherwise temperate heart are now a very distant memory that will require Herculean efforts to remember. And mind you, a trip down memory lane is not always pleasurable. Sometimes, it’s like a dirt road full of dust and bumps as big as the moon’s craters. Most of the time, this is the kind of lane we all take when it comes to the affairs of the heart. A failed romance is a failure and no matter how beautiful it started, we get the same ugly shit in the end. There will always be that painful tug in the heart because you know that the good times will never ever become better times. All the “feel-good” firsts like the first glance, the first smile, the first text message, the first chat, the first kiss, the first you-know-what seem to be from a lifetime ago and a thousand galaxies away. They are long gone and best forgotten and are now replaced by the not-so-distant “bitter firsts”.

Terrifying. Horrible. Ghastly.

We have become uninteresting to one another like an oft played song, an oft worn dress, an oft taken route. I am not mysterious any longer. I had been revealed!

I tried to seek comfort in thinking that I was more of a pair of old shoes that is comfortable and dependable. That pair of old shoes that will be missed when it finally breaks and becomes totally useless. That pair of old shoes that will be remembered with smiles and memories of happy strolls. And then reality hits me. I could also be the old, smelly and moldy old shoe. No love lost there.

Nothing being said.

Nothing being done.

Inevitable demise.

Soon to be forgotten.

The die is cast.

Because You See Me

Because you see me

That I become I
Not just a or one
But a somebody
And a someone.

Because you know me

Now I have come to be
Not just a speck here and there
But a heart and soul
Somewhere.

Because you hear me

I now find my voice
My smile now has meaning
My thoughts have become real
My silence deafening.

Because you found me

I’m no longer lost
I am real again
I am Me again
Because of You.

Missed Chances

I always miss my bus going to the train station. As much as I try to be like Harold Crick, I know that after counting from 1 to 12, I’d go back to 1 and not continue on to 13. I do this unconsciously and I never found any explanation why. I am resigned to the fact that any attempt at analyzing it would only frustrate me. If I could only calculate time right, I wouldn’t have to miss busses and trains again.

You may think I am sweating the small stuff and yes, you are probably right. When I think about it, busses and trains are not the only things that we miss in our lifetime. Sadly, we miss a lot more than these. Things that are more significant. Things that are more valuable. Things that change the course of our lives. The one that got away. More sadly, when we miss it, we don’t get a second chance. Second chances do not arrive 2 minutes after the first one had left.

Saddest part is that life goes on. Sadder than saddest is that we carry these missed chances with us until our last breath. The only thing we can do to cushion the blow is to learn to be happy even in times of grief and great sadness. Find it in ourselves to hope and believe that a love lost is not lost forever. Pray that the stars will conspire to give us another shot. Hope that a time machine be invented or be Superman and turn back time. Hope that when we go back to a place, we can also go back in time. Basically, pray for that small and personal miracle to happen for us to finally have closure of a particular missed chance.

I, too, pray for this everyday. I pray for that small miracle that will take me back in time and let me feel that old feeling once again. I guess I just need closure and nothing else. Time has been kind enough to heal me and teach me how to accept things as they are. Maybe I was not meant to be in that bus. Maybe I was not meant to be in that trip. For whatever reason, that was my fate. Yes, sometimes we have to take a defeatist stance because it is the brave thing to do.

Who’s To Blame

So early in the year, we hear about the Tucson shooting which claimed the lives of six people, including a nine-year-old little girl, and which had put a bullet in a lawmaker’s head. It’s such a tragedy hearing about these things and it often leaves me with more sadness for the loss of the victims’ families than rage for the perpetrator. It also makes me wonder how in this age and time, when people are more educated, when laws are in place, when governments are constituted that societies seem to continue to fail every now and then and in more ways than one. Who is to blame then?

Not too long ago, a disgruntled police officer took a number of Hong Kong nationals hostage out of frustration and enmity towards a government that he dutifully served and in the end, allegedly turned its back on him. That incident left a number of the hostages dead together with the hostage-taker. Who is to blame?

These are just two of the millions of headliners that the media had picked up. I’m not even talking about the drug wars in Mexico, terrorist attacks in various parts of the world, the rapists, the bank robbers, etc…Who is to blame?

I blame myself. I blame you. I blame everyone, the society, the whole world order. And you should do the same. Bad things, except those by acts of God, happen because we allow them to happen. Somehow and somewhere along the way, we could have been remiss in our duties as parents, as teachers, as neighbors, as friends, as superiors. Somehow, we failed to see the signs of discontent and anxiety. Somehow we failed to appreciate people and deeds, we paid more attention to mistakes made, were more harsh than necessary. Somehow we failed to be just. The list can go on and on. Yes, it is just impossible to keep track of everything that we do and say, of every person that come our way. But I still believe that as humans, we should at least strive to live by a set of minimum standards of how we relate to our own kind.

Always act in good faith. Always be considerate of others. Always strive to be patient. Extend help when it is needed. Do not be judgmental. One does not need superhuman powers or intelligence to know and to live by these ethics. We just need to believe in the innate goodness of our hearts. Let the fact that we are good by nature inspire us to be more in touch with our humanity and that of others. I assure you, this world will be a better place.

Another Year

I wonder what Life has in store for me this year. Last year was definitely full of surprises – reconnection with old friends, career milestones, dead coming back to life. It was a circus. Thinking about it now and what other things and people can turn up this year scares the living daylights out of me. But then again, as Dan Burns would say: be prepared to be surprised!

Sometimes, we just can’t be anything else but sitting ducks. The only thing we can do is put on a brave face and shout “bring it on” at the top of our lungs, ignoring that our knees are buckling or in the true case of a duck – feet paddling like crazy, our palms sweating and our hearts pumping like an F1 race car. Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect... so no one would suspect…I’m afraid. It was true in Siam circa 1860’s and still is today. How poetry mirrors reality leaves me in awe most of the time. Makes me want to whistle a happy tune!

Only a week has passed and we still have 51 more to enjoy this year and bask in the good fortune that it will bring. Or it could be 51 weeks more of suffering and hell. It’s our choice really. At the end of the day, we ourselves make things happen or not come to be. I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul. Now, that is the ultimate self-confidence. Or it could be plainly pure arrogance. Whichever it is, kudos to you Mr. Henley! And kudos to us for surviving the past year, scathed it may seem but nonetheless alive and for facing the new year with a bravado deserving of a round of drinks!

Kilig (Ang Tula)

Para bang damong kumikiliti
Sa aking hubad ng talampakan,
Ang iyong nakangiting mata’t labi’y
Magdudulot ng kilig kanino man.

Tulad ng haplos ng mga daliri
Sa brasong walang kubli,
Ang iyong mga titig
Nakakakilig, balahibo’y tumitindig.